Events from “Open Eyes”

Notes by Anthony

Dear…Diary? Okay, I’m not twelve. Wait. Are these the opening lines of the scripture for the cult of my future self? Sorry, Zachariah. Your present self has no idea what the hell he is doing. Hope someone cleans this up and makes it sound a lot more grandiose in the final edition. 

OTCAL was intense. Insane. I can’t write about what I saw yet. It’s all in my head. I can feel it buzzing. Like static on the TV at my parents’ when all the channels went off air. I’d sit on the couch and watch old movies and tv reruns with the sound turned off when I couldn’t sleep. Damn nightmares. Not that being awake is any less terrifying now. Okay, Zachary. No spiraling. Focus.

There is one vision thing I can recall without clawing out my own eyeballs and tongue. The desert was dark with no plants or animals. Just rocks. I looked up and saw stars and clouds and the moon. Earth, then. Someone was sitting on a hill nearby. I walked towards him. I wasn’t me. I was a thin dark-skinned man in a robe. The man was crying with his face in his hands. They were covered or stained red with blood. He asked if I was here to taunt him. He said he will bring it all down if it’s the last thing he does. Grind it to dust. Grind it to the earth. I told him I wasn’t the person he thought I was. I asked him why he wanted to destroy, and he said it was the only thing he could do. It was written and nothing could change it. All he could offer was ash and death and loneliness. He didn’t want to be alone. I tried to tell him that things weren’t fixed. That I had to believe we could choose to be better. He just laughed and said it was no use in the end. We were just beasts.  

I woke up on the floor of the OTCAL library. I felt this horrible, hateful thing rise up in my chest. The Beast. Ben was right in front of me. I just wanted to…consume him. Sink my teeth into him and drain him dry. Even though I wasn’t hungry. I just wanted to leave him as dead and empty as that desert. But I remembered him dying in my arms again and again and how alone and awful and empty I felt. I think it was a flash from the visions I can’t focus on right now. I knew I couldn’t lose Ben. He’s too important to me. The rage of the Beast had nothing on the power of friendship. It washed over and through me and was gone. I care bear stared that fucker into nonexistence.

I stood up and the world felt…different. Kind of like when I see the halo auras. Joan and Nikoli fell to the ground and started praising or worshipping me. Desirée and Thaïs looked terrified. Like deer in the headlights. Wanting to run but not able to. George was hard to read. Looked like he was doing very big calculations in his head. Thaïs said she wasn’t my apostle and Joan got really scary. I told Joan that Thaïs and Desirée were like me, in their infancy, and we all needed time to adjust. That seemed to mollify her. Or maybe she and Nikoli trust future me so much they’ll do anything I say. Terrifying thought. 

George pulled me aside and asked if we could trust Joan and Nikoli. Was my future self really committed to saving the world? What were their/my goals? I tried my best to sound assertive and asked. Joan said I’d already saved the world since it was still here. Everything has already happened that will happen and vice versa. Tenses get weird. Fullness of time. We’re walking this tightrope between all the ways the world ends, and even good intentioned groups like the Camarilla will still make the wrong choices if they get hold of the Temple. 

Joan said George’s eyes were clouded by some great lie, and he hasn’t seen the truth of himself yet. I mean, I know he’s got some agenda. The rational thing for him to do would be to react like Thaïs and Desirée and run the fuck away. But I think George is like me, maybe. He has some great purpose he’s dedicated himself to and he can’t abandon it. I just hope that our purposes stay aligned long enough to actually save the world.

Two people in nice suits came out and gave us goblets of blood. I’d been too afraid of using blood to heal my hand since George warned that the Beast takes over if we get too hungry. But with this I could spend the energy and then drink until I was full. And the blood was…incredible. So much better than the pig or horse blood. Hot and rich and full of life and

Anyway. Moving on. I asked about the Mechatine and Joan said I did/will steal their invention. They would use it to undo the world and return to that Big Night City. But I have apostles and together we’ll bring something through the gates. The final cataclysm? We will be judged and hopefully not found lacking. We’re still here, so the verdict was good. Will be good? The past doesn’t exist unless I’m successful in the future. But Joan said that the Mechatine can change the past/future. She’s seen people be erased. 

Joan and Nikoli offered me a choice. Alexandria isn’t safe. We could go south to Lupine territory or north to Joan’s home in Gallaudet University. The prince in Georgetown is a Toreador named George in Samal’s line. His eyes are clouded and lost to pleasure, so I guess he won’t notice one illegal Malkavian and his ragtag bunch of apocalypse-stopping apostles. A group that just got smaller. I couldn’t think of anything I could say that would make Desirée and Thaïs want to stay. I wouldn’t stay if I didn’t know that leaving would doom the world. George and Ben both had visions, so they know it’s real. I told Joan and Nikoli that we’d drop Desirée and Thaïs off at their car in Daingerfield Island so they could take time off to think. They promised they wouldn’t say anything to anyone. I think I believe them.  

I chose Gallaudet. Immanuel died down south, and I don’t think running away is the answer. Joan wanted to swim across, but Ben couldn’t do that. Especially not in the freezing cold. George hailed a cab in that ridiculous cowboy outfit and Joan used the voice thing to make the cabbie drive us. I should practice that. Seems like it comes in handy. She told us to avoid the area around 14th street bridge. Too many people there with too much time. Another kindred faction?

Near the university we saw these two murals. Incredible. One had a big circle of overlapping hands reaching towards the center. A heavenly angel charged forth from the center to attack. Another mural had the ice sculptures and fire and animals! Exactly as from my first vision before I got “embraced.” Joan said that was the handiwork of one of her descendants. She’s a seer too. Apparently, the woman who embraced her is pissed because she doesn’t have visions and it was just her role to bring the seer into the world. Still a better fate than Immanuel had. Fuck.

Joan took us down to her library. We could sleep there for the day. I told Ben to go find a dorm room to crash in and get some food from the dining hall. I was terrified of letting him out of my sight but more so of him staying. What if someone attacked us? What if I wake up and the Beast tries to take over again after another nightmare? George must have been thinking about the people he cares about too. He told me he has two kids he hasn’t seen in ten years. He wanted to see them again. I offered to try and find them in my visions. I have no idea if I can do that, but if I can reach out to other Malkavians through the mirrors (Joan said I won’t always need mirrors) maybe I can find his family. Make sure they’re okay. George said I’d better not. Looked like a hard decision. He said we should focus on saving the world. Plenty of time to celebrate in the future.

Feeling lethargic. Not sleepy. More like the life leaving my body. I guess I am already dead. Time to roll the dice on which horrific monsters will haunt my dreams. Seems to always come up snake eyes. Can’t be mad though. It will all be worth it if it saves the world. Or already has been worth it. Will always have been worth it.

Oh! And I have a third goddamn eye in my forehead?!?! 

Fuck it. Future problem for future me. Zachariah can deal with that one.